Evets Gets Lucky

Subject: Write a romantic scene with humor in it.
Setting: Any
Time Period: Any
Length: 500 Words
Restrictions: None
Due: This Month

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Evets Relhots woke up and struggled to climb out of bed. His badly overused mattress surrounded Evet’s body like a hotdog in an oversized bun. It was still early but his lips stretched into a wide grin. Today’s the day! Date night! He glanced over to the clock in his room, it was still noon. Evet’s shook his head. This better be worth it waking up this early on a Saturday!

Evets walked to the bathroom, glancing in the mirror. He combed the gray thinning hair over the large bald spot on the back of his head and brushed the four teeth in his mouth to a shiny yellow glow. With a smile of satisfaction, he walked back to get dressed. Selecting the clothes with the fewest holes as possible, he quickly threw them on and move around his little apartment to get ready.

His apartment was cluttered and dusty and a pile of dirty dishes rested in the sink. All ready!

Sitting down in his chair, he flipped on the TV and took a nap.

A knock on the front door woke Evets up. He sat up in his chair, wiping the drool from his jaw with his sleeve. “Come in!” he yelled.

The sound of the door opening could be heard followed by a softly spoken feminine “Hello.”

“In here!” Evets called from his chair.

A slender woman walked into the room, her hair all done in a stylish curl and clothes that suggested she was ready for a night on the town. “Evets?” she asked.

“Yes, yes. Mary?” Evets replied, from his chair.

“Um … it’s Martha.” She replied, raising an eyebrow.

Evets replied with a wide-eyed grin. He was excited. It had been years since he had a date. Let alone with a woman less than half his age. Why… she had to be only in her sixties!

“Are we going out somewhere?” Martha asked, looking around the small apartment.

“No, no! I thought we’d stay here. We can cook a dinner here and relax. Plus, the Little Sister show is on tonight! Gotta see that!”

Martha, looked around the apartment as he spoke. “Well, I guess it would be nice …,” she spoke, with a hint of hesitation in her tone.

“Great! Here let me clean up the place a bit.” Evets said.

“Okay … I’ll give you a hand.”

Evets smiled and jumped to his feet. Martha sat down her purse and flashed a timid smile.

“Here, you start here and I’ll start there,” Evets said pointing in the far corners of the small room. He walked over to a corner and watch as Martha started to straighten her corner of the room. Evets smiled.

After a few minutes of cleaning, Evets walked back to his chair and watched as Martha cleaned up.

An hour of cleaning passed, Martha looked over at Evets, wiping the sweat from her face. She offered a weak smile.

“Great job!” Evets said with a smile. “Let’s make some dinner, I’m sure you’re hungry.”

Martha smiled and followed Evets into the kitchen. Evet’s heard her sigh as they approached the sink full of dishes. “Here, just let me wash these up real quick,” he said as he very slowly picked up a plate and placed it under the water. Moving slowly, he could sense Martha’s impatience.

“Here, let me do that,” Martha said, rolling up the sleeves on her blouse.

Evets backed away and sat down in a nearby seat. He repeatedly nodded watching Martha work in a frenzy as plates, pots and soap bubbles danced in front of her. She turned around to reveal an empty sink, a wet blouse, and a thin smile.

“Great! Now let’s get some dinner on the stove,” Evets said, springing from his chair. Evets went to the refrigerator and pulled out various boxes and jars. “Here it is!”

With a heavy sigh, Martha turned on the stove and started opening the boxes.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Evets said, going back into the other room and turning on the TV. He flipped over to The Little Sister Show and soon became captivated on trying to figure out which little sister would be booted from the house that night.

“Evets!” Martha shouted out.

Evets looked from the TV screen to see Martha standing there with two plates of food in her hands. “Sure, bring it in here,” he said looked back to the TV.

They ate without talking, since Evets’ eyes were fixed on the show. When they were done, Martha leaned in and whispered, “how about some dessert?”

“Nah, I’ve got nothing out there but some Reese cups and a few taffy pieces.”

“I’ve got something else in mind,” she said with a wink.

“Nah, I’m not much into sweets. Why don’t you make us some coffee.”

“Hmph…,” she sighed, walking back into the kitchen.

Back with two cups of coffee, Martha sat down a cup next to Evets. “Here you go,” she said, a warm smile back on her face.

“Thanks,” Evets replied, eyes still focused on the TV. Evets continued watching his show until he reached for the coffee to find the cup empty. He looked up to see Martha staring at him with eyes seemingly wanting to say something. Maybe she wants to leave? Yes, that must be it.

“Well, thanks for coming by,” Evets said standing up.

“What …”

“Yep, stop by again sometime,” Evets walked her to the door and helped her wiggle the doorknob to open the door. “Cheapskate landlord… sorry about that,” Evets smiled.

“I could stay … longer,” Martha said, reaching her hand out for him.

“No, no. No need. I had fun. Thanks Mary,” Evets said helping her out the door. As he closed the door he saw Martha with her eyes closed and lips pushed together. Evet’s let out a laugh in response to her funny face. How cute, she does impressions … of some kind.

As loud stomps rang out from the wooden stairs outside, Evets stretched him arms and let out a long sigh. He looked over at the clean sink and walked back through his clean living room and once again sat back down into his chair. Well, the place looks great! I should do this more often!

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Passion Aggression

Part of the difficulty I experience with these short writing assignments is that most of the time I can’t get moving on a story without a larger story in my head. That made this particular story difficult, becuase I didn’t really have a frame of reference for the characters or why they were there. I ultimately came up with a larger concept and that helped me finish it.

As Chip walked into the snow covered cabin he felt the warmth from the fireplace immediately remove the sting he felt from walking two miles in the freezing temperatures. The temperature was only 32 degrees, so it counted as freezing, but Chip was a whiny little man-child when it came to dealing with temperatures outside of the seventy degree range. Embracing the warmth on his far-too oily skin, Chip removed his shirt. He flexed his unevenly exercised ab muscles, hoping to impress the woman that was still in the other room and clearly couldn’t see him.

Chip was not a smart man.

Fortunately for him, lust had overcome Brandy, a woman with a higher level of intelligence than Chip yet still below most types of jellyfish, and she couldn’t wait to feel Chip’s warm embrace envelop her body and overshadow her deep personality flaws. She was in the bedroom, brushing her long, blonde hair and looking over the room to ensure that everything was perfect for their evening. If she had ever bothered to think things through (or think through anything in her entire life), she would have realized that she was far too overcome with hormones and desperation to even bother getting as far as walking into the other room and actually making love on a bed like civilized human beings. Instead, they would probably end up having sweaty, grunty sex in front of the fireplace that would end in carpet stains and regret, but Brandy was oblivious to this fact.

She opened the bedroom door and propped herself against the frame. She was wearing a white satin nightie with matching undergarments and she had a slight, sly smile on her face that helped accentuate her equine facial features. Chip turned to face her. As he looked her up and down his face slackened; either in awe, or because he wasn’t sure what to do with a woman that wasn’t heavily intoxicated. “My God… You’re beautiful,” he said, calling upon the most eloquent words he could think of, yet sounding like Shakespeare after a severe head trauma.

She sensually sashayed toward him in a sensual manner that made it look as if she were sensually waving away a fart. Somehow, Chip found this to be… sensual. His pulse quickened as she drew near. When she was close enough to reach, he put his steroidally large arms around her waist and pulled her in the rest of the way. She let out a small giggle at this and began tracing lines on his chest with her fingertips. She spelled out STD with her tracing, but neither of them were aware of it. “So… Did you come all this way just to talk?” she asked in a flirtatious voice, hoping to mask her demanding insistence to be sexed upon soon. “No,” Chip replied monosyllabically.

He put an arm around her neck and drew her in, kissing her deeply and passionately, like a Saint Bernard licking ice cream from a child’s face. She returned the gesture by shoving her tongue into his cavity-laden mouth. She put her arms around his shoulders, locked her hands together behind his head, and jumped up, wrapping her legs around his torso. Soon they were engaged in the feverish type of lovemaking that only people unaware of each other’s true personalities are capable of doing.

After what seemed to be hours later (but in reality was only 30 minutes), they laid on the rug in front of the fireplace; their naked, abusively pale bodies reflecting the soft glow of a fire that would do it’s best to swallow them alive to avoid seeing what it had just witnessed, were it capable of consciousness. Chip was staring into Brandy’s vapid, thoughtless eyes as he said “Steve’s really hating on us pretty hard tonight, isn’t he?” His horribly unkempt eyebrows raised as he asked the – wait a minute… Was he talking about me?

August Writing Challenge – Romantic Comedy

I’m a bit late in posting a challenege for this month and I’m feeling a little amorous, so here it is; write a romantic scene with humor in it. The humor can come from anything; the actions, characters, phrasing, descriptions, whatever, just so long as it’s funny.

Subject: Write a romantic scene with humor in it.
Setting: Any
Time Period: Any
Length: 500 Words
Restrictions: None
Due: This Month