My comments after the story.
Darth Maul raised his glass of Mad Mrelf to his lips and gave it a slow, thoughtful drink.”I still don’t get it,” he said, “It would have been amazing! You could have destroyed entire cities as me! You could’ve murdered anyone you want! It would have been so much fun! And think of the graphics!”
“You’re preaching to the choir, buddy.” Boba Fett was no stranger to this situation; everybody loves you, they talk about giving you your own game, and as soon as it starts shaping up into something amazing, it all falls out from under you. Boba Fett grabbed for his half-finished Cometduster and paused. He thought about the situation for a moment and then turned to face Darth Maul.
“You had a pretty good situation going. Everybody thought you were the best thing about Episode One and you even got stories made about you after your death. So what if your game didn’t get made? At least yours was because of “quality issues” and “disagreements”. At least your situation had a reasonable cause. That damn mouse buys Lucasarts and the next thing I know, the best looking game from them in years is shut down with no real rhyme or reason. You want to get mad about your game? Your game wasn’t even on tap to be as big a seller as Grand Theft Auto.”
“Both of you can go to Hell!” A visibly drunk Kyle Katarn shouted from just a few seats away. He reeked of Garrmorl and his fingers were covered in bits of cracknel. By the pale color of his skin, Boba Fett wondered just how long Kyle had been sitting in here and if he ever bothered to get out the bar at all. “You movie stars like to sit aroun an’ piss an’ moan just cause one little game got cancelled?! Well let me tell you somethin!” Although he was shouting, Kyle felt the need to stumble closer to the two men as if they couldn’t hear him in the first place. He leaned in far too close to Darth Maul’s face and put his hands on the bar right next to him. Kyle was dangerously close to taking a lightsaber to the gut, but Maul decided to let it go. He’ll be stuck here for the rest of his life anyways, thought Maul. Kyle continued his rant. “You movie star types are all the same! Us real people ain’t got nothin’ left! Lucasarts told me I was the next big thing! They told me they’d build a whole damn franchise aroun’ me! Soooo IIII jus’ been sittin’ here since the nineties. The NINETEEN DAMN NINETIES! An’ I kept waitin’ fer them to do somethin’ with me, but then those new damn movies come out an’ suddenly they’d rather make twenty crappy games then another one with me innit!”
Kyle looked like he was about to get into the crying and gushing part of his rant when all three men were distracted by a woman who walked their way from across the bar. She was beautiful and tall, had her striking red hair pulled tight behind her, and wore a tight, strapless black dress that accentuated every curve on her perfectly formed body. Only Boba Fett was sober enough to catch the fact that she had a lightsaber at her side that looked brand new. “Excuse me gentlemen,” she interrupted, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and I was wondering if we could play a quick game? It’s related to what you were talking about,” The men nodded. “Good. Here’s the game. It’s called ‘do any of you know my name?’ If you win, I’ll buy everyone’s drinks for the night.” All three men sat there dumbfounded, staring between each other. The silence went on for almost a minute before Darth Maul, knowing he was wrong but willing to try it anyways, meekly said “Mara Jade?”
“No, I’m not Mara Jade! And you should know that!” she said angrily, pointing a finger at a now-ashamed Kyle. Boba Fett finally owned up; “To be honest, Ma’am, none of us know who you are.” “I’m Naresha! And the reason you don’t know me is because of World of Warcraft! I was all set to be the star of Knights Of The Old Republic 3, but then World of Warcraft made so much stupid money that the greedy-ass executives at Lucasarts decided they wanted the same thing, so here I am watching idiots play The Old Republic when I know my game could’ve been better than Mass Effect! And it would’ve had a real ending too!”
The conversation could have continued indefinitely, but it was interrupted by a commotion outside the front door. “Shit, here come the bookers,” Boba Fett said, raising his voice so the group could hear him over the noise. Admiral Thrawn, Nom Anor, and ten other Yuuzhan Vong came piling through the door. Some walked, some stumbled, and some crawled, but all were drunk to the point of liver disease; if they even had livers. Admiral Thrawn and Nom Amor seemed to hold themselves much better, but it was clear that they too had drank enough to kill a brezak. These men were determined to enjoy what little life they had left.
Thrawn put his arm around Anor and shouted to the group, “ONE MORE TIME!” The group immediately broke into the chorus of “It’s a Small World After All”, singing with their harsh, deep voices that made it sound more like a sea shanty than a children’s song. As the group sang, Admiral Thrawn turned to the other patrons of the bar, stood perfectly straight, saluted, and said “It’s been an honor serving you all!” Then, just as quickly as they had entered, the group disappeared as if wiped from existence.
Boba Fett looked around the bar. “Why’s everyone staring at the door? Did something just happen?” “I don’t know,” Darth Maul replied, “I feel a disturbance in the force, like a great and sudden loss.” “Oh well,” Kyle butted in, seemingly somewhat more sober and happier than he was moments ago, “so much for whatever was in the past. Here’s to the future!” “To the future!” they all replied in unison.
This story goes out to all the casualties of the acquisition. Bookers are characters that appeared in the comics and novels only. I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, but I loved Lucasarts games of the eighties and nineties. I also appreciated the fact that they kept one consistent (although a bit confusing) universe. It’s kind of sad that they’re going to ruin that to make the new movies, but it’s also makes sense from a storytelling standpoint.